I hate this nervous energy I'm wearing like a jacket lately.
So, I talked a little to my first-rate friend about this problem I talked about yesterday. I still think she's full of shit about some things, and there's reason on my part to hold onto my beliefs. I don't think she realizes what she's done at all. She still thinks its about me losing some guy who was never mine. That's bullshit. So, I guess I'm going to have to compartmentalize this shit. Otherwise, she'll continue to do some things that are continually hurtful - whilst saying they are to not hurt me, or because she cares about me or some shit like that. I don't want to get caustic about this situation, and I'm going to if we keep that line of communication open. So, I closed it.
I guess there are some things that I thought my friend knew me better about, which is another, larger problem.
I mean, she said that she wanted me to like this guy. Actually, she said she wanted me to love him. And, I kind of do. However, as far as her wanting me to fall for him? I don't think that's really true. I mean, I've only been around him a handful of times, and I don't fall in love with people instantly. So, when she says she wanted me to hit it off with this guy, I either can't believe her or I have to re-evaluated how well she knows me. A co-worker and friend who doesn't even know me that well said to me just yesterday that I am reserved about my important feelings and opinions about people. She said, "You share a lot, but . . . your real interests and feelings about people take a long, long time to develop." If this chick knows that about me, shouldn't someone who I love like a sister know that? It's disappointing.
Also, she points out that I was percieved by others as "hating" him at first. Well, I don't hate him now. And, honestly, I was tainted by her information that she gave me about him. How do I know this? All of our other friends who haven't met him don't like him. Where do they get their information about him? From her. She doesn't present him well. She talks about how she's so into him, but then she gives a lot of toxic information about him.
And, honestly, there are a lot of true things about him that are not-so-great, but that's true of me, too. There's a lot of baggage and kind of a mishandled life. However, I only saw that side of him because it was the only side I was given.
There's a lot more there, though. He's an excellent father for the most part. With the information I was given, I figured he was kind of an absentee father at best. He's not. Kids don't turn out well without good parents, and that kid is more than pretty boss.
He's also kinder and gentler than I thought he was going to be.
He's less selfish than the information I got would make me believe.
It just bothers me that I've been told that I didn't give him a chance when I don't feel like I was given the chance to give him a chance.
I keep thinking of how everyone else has the idea that they hate him, too.
These are not, generally, hateful people, either, that have formed these opinions. One is judgemental, but they aren't hateful.
Also, everytime she's told a story about him of recent where he's doing something that's not terrific, if I rolled my eyes or something (some of his behavior is rediculous), she'd blurt out, "See! You don't like him!"
However, I don't do that shit for people I don't like. I either fall silent about them, or, if asked, tell the truth.
There's also been some times when he unintentionally hurt my feelings. I called him on it. I want people to call me out when I hurt them, too. I want to apologize and stop doing it. I usually don't tell people when they are hurting me, but I . . . I felt comfortable telling this guy when something meant something harmful to me. I don't think he ever said anything to me on purpose to make me feel bad, but the intent doesn't matter as much as the effect to me. I think he's a good enough person to wrap his head around that. She told me he doesn't need that. I disagree. I think he needs some people who are real with him. I think he's got a lot of manipulation in his life already, and he could use something different. Something honest.
I've told him all this, and, unless he's lying to me (and why would he?), he agrees with me.
It's not like I am constantly scolding him, either, I am equally free with my honesty with him.
I'm not this monster to him.
So, I don't think subconciously she wanted me to love him. All of the good stuff about him I had to discover myself. I heard general good things, but mostly bad things from her about him.
I didn't really have a chance to develop anything with him - not that there would have been anything - but . . . I can't jump into these things, and I thought my first-rate friend would know what about me.
There's something weird going on.
I don't like it.