So, last night, I slept for the first time in six days.
I've never been a good sleeper. Even when I was a baby, and you're supposed to sleep, like, ninety percent of the day, I was awake.
All the time.
My poor parents.
Anyway, I haven't been able to sleep, so I take sleeping pills. They work the majority of the time, but not when I am sick.
So, I've been awake.
It's so lonely. The whole world that speaks your language goes to sleep every day and you're alone for hours.
It fucking sucks.
Last night, though, I actually slept. From about three in the morning until eight. It was amazing.
I feel a lot better.
I'm supposed to go camping tomorrow, but we'll see. All the people I invited to go with me can't, and I forgot to get the tent from my sister. So, I'll have to go out of my way to get the tent.
I think I am still going to go. I love to camp. Even if it is just for a day, I really enjoy it. I'd be going to check out one of the Girl Scout camps to see if my girls would like it.
Girl Scouts is going so well this year. The girls are really independent and get along well. We already have our first camping trip planned in December.
I'm so proud of the girls - how they've grown. They are amazing little people, that's for sure.
I am feeling so torn lately, though.
I keep thinking about California.
I'm so much happier there in some regards - I feel like I can be myself more. I feel more free.
However, I also miss my family so much.
It's nice having two places to call home, but it also gets to me.
This has only been made more clear by a little social experiment I've been doing. I signed up for two profiles on a dating website (don't judge me - I don't want to die alone). One for my home in Tampa, and one for my semi-home-like-place in Oakland. Now, I am starting to think I am illiterate because I clicked on the wrong answers to come questions multiple times, so my presentation of myself isn't exactly accurate for the Tampa one. (I fixed the Oakland one already - I made mistakes on both.) You have to wait 24 hours after you answer a question to reanswer it, though, so I have to wait it out.
Anyway, here are some real responses I've gotten so far from Tampa people:
"I don't mind bigger girls as long as they have an open mind about sex. When can we meet?"
"R u n2 anul?"
"Usually I don't do this, but I think your tits are beautiful. Have you ever heard of ANR (Adult Nursing Relationship?"
Woah - hold on there! You're gonna make me swoon and I might just hit my head.
The funny thing is that this is the third - THIRD - dating website I've explored where someone has asked me to lactate for them.
Here are some responses from Oakland people:
"It is nice to meet someone with such a strong sense of self."
"You are pretty cute. Want to get coffee sometime?"
"What bands do you like?"
I am really sad that my hometown is striking out so hard.